Parenting is a challenging task on a good day, but throw in a divorce and a custody battle, possible financial difficulties and unwanted change everywhere you look, it’s a wonder children survive to adulthood. Epic custody battles have achieved almost folkloric status in our culture. Sometimes, parents who are facing the most difficult changes in their lives use every means available to get back at each other even when it means that the kids become bargaining chips.

What is parental alienation?

In the 1980’s child psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner coined the term during his study of the behavior of parents involved in child custody disputes. Gardner noted that sometimes children aligned themselves with one parent to an extreme degree. The child unjustifiably denigrated the alienated parent, and is egged on by the indoctrination and vilification of the alienated parent by the alienating parent – or in layman’s terms, one parent pits the child against the other parent. The idea of “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS) has been criticized as “junk science,” but to some degree this behavior does take place in many divorce cases when there is a battle over which parent will get legal and/or physical custody.

Here are some ways you can avoid hurting your children, even unintentionally:

  • Keep your emotions to yourself. Post-divorce co-parenting is when it is really time to put on your big boy/ big girl pants and muster up all of the emotional maturity you have (even if you have to “fake” it for a while). Divorcing your spouse has upended your child’s life forever. Now it is your job to model adult behavior and save your emotional venting for your therapist.
  • Do not force your children to choose sides. They did not choose the divorce; do not make them pay the price by fracturing their relationship with their other parent.
  • Do not speak disparagingly about your former spouse. Your child is a part of you and a part of your ex. When you are disparaging your former spouse you are denigrating part of your child’s identity. Speak kindly about your ex and set a good example for your child to follow.
  • Do not use your children to carry messages back to your ex. Contact your ex directly and don’t tell your child to “Ask mommy if. . .” or “Tell Daddy that. . .” It is not your child’s role to carry messages back and forth between you. Bury your issues and learn to communicate like adults for the sake of your children.
  • Communicate openly and clearly. Communicate directly with your former spouse. If there is still tension between you, keep it cordial and businesslike, but avoid constantly rehashing old issues. Choose how you will communicate–phone, email, text messages, and be consistent. Keep your communications short and to the point if you do not get along.

If you are getting a divorce and you are facing a child custody battle, the experienced family law attorneys at Miller Upshaw Family Law, PLLC are ready to discuss your case with you.